xenofixus Thread

I have been hallucinating ever since preschool. At first they were just mild hallucinations; shapes, symbols, patterns. I also have auditory hallucinations (much more often than visual ones). I often hear people talking to me when no-one is around. When I talk to people I occasionally ask them to repeat themselves over and over again as when they say something I hear 10 different things at once. Much less often than auditory and visual hallucinations, I have ones that affect my smell and sense of touch. The smell ones usually happen in the middle of the night, waking me up to the smell of food when no other person in the house is awake. The touch ones happen the least frequently and usually feel as if someone is grabbing my shoulders/arms (hard) or touching my back.

As I grew older the visual hallucinations started becoming more defined, not more frequent however. The shapes turned into figures. The figures turned into stuff I recognized. As of about 5-6 years ago they started becoming much more defined. I clearly see people and animals that aren't actually there.

The thing that scares me whenever I stop to think about it is that they are shadows. I don't know a better way to describe it. I can clearly see them when the hallucinations happen but they look like they are made out of shadows. I have seen shadow versions of my parents, pets, friends, even people I have never met before (as far as I can recall).

These shadows never do anything but stare straight at me. Whenever I look at them I they are always staring straight into my eyes, unblinking with blank emotions. Whenever this is happening I feel oddly comforted, safe, and relaxed. Whenever I think about it after the fact I feel scared, afraid, and unnerved like I have been violated.

Even as a child I felt it was important not to speak about these hallucinations. I am not sure why. This is the first time I have told anyone about it. Not too creepy I suppose to me since it has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

Before someone tells me to get help, let me just say that I draw an extreme amount of comfort from these hallucinations and during times of focus (driving for example) they don't happen. I don't really want them to stop.